Rebuilding Your Inner Mother

💔 I hope sharing this will help free others in their heartache.

FYI: This is something I never do, I don’t explain my art or my behind-the-scenes process.

My art is always deeply tied to my hidden emotional inner world. It’s just something I must make.

And then I release it and walk away.

So thank you for your presence and curiosity.

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A Quick Note from Saturdays We Wear Black

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Rebuilding Your Inner Mother

In 2021 I reached peak turmoil in a dynamic I struggled with for 4 years.

3 of those years I just tried to walk it off. I was in major denial and ignorance of what needed to be dealt with.

The first reckoning was during the Fall of 2020. 8 months later came part 2 – it was unbearable.

All I could do was make this video and post it up on my IG:

Write this poem (there’s many more actually):

And this comic:

And blast this song on repeat (it was another reminder of what I didn’t have, so it compounded upon the pain haha - the tone matched my ache too):

I’ve been estranged from my OG favorite person who helped me get on my true path. I would have loved a closer bond, but my intuition always knew I had to learn things on my own. I also saw from the jump that they were on a different path and in a different world than me.

It felt like abandonment, rejection, and I didn’t have faith I could be safe in the world. I didn’t value myself enough to be excited about what I could do in the world on my own merit.

It hurt to see they were creating art with others and not me.

It was primal, unconscious, and felt like ancient pain. My deep tears confounded me. It’s like I was crying right from my bones.

It was cruel to meet this person, only to have them snatched away.

In 2023, while I was in a tearful meditation I finally came face to face with the root cause, a mother wound I was in denial of*.

All until my 30s I thought I was cool with my mom, that I forgave her, that things were fine. But it was a survival mechanism.

My mom is physically and emotionally abusive. She still mistreats my father emotionally. And as recently as 5 months ago I had to call the police on her for physically assaulting me.

I couldn’t have accessed my most potent and transformative medicine without separation from my favorite person**.

The circumstances regarding part 2, which I alluded to earlier, were unworldly.

It felt like the universe conspired against me, with intricate custom details made just for me.

It became a push to dig deeper into the occult, destiny cards, self-hypnosis, and ultimately connect with Source for the first time in this incarnation.

I hired a personal trainer immediately because all I could think was I needed to be stronger. (This became Part 3 in my series of heartache, unfortunately).

I signed up for an overpriced spiritual + business coaching program to try to begin to move on from everything. I figured why not work on my financial freedom while healing and getting a life coach session about my predicament - all in one kinda thing.

This destruction required me to rebuild my inner mother. And see that the love I thought I lost was within.

I was always love, I never needed to seek it out or chase it. It was always within. The way this person made me feel loved, it was the love I deserved to give myself.

These are familiar concepts you find in books and movies, but you don’t truly know them until you live them.

It’s not something you say, it’s something you embody.

This recon phase took 4 years. Every moment counted. It couldn’t have been cut short, it was a lesson I needed to master.

I went into nature almost every day and prayed.

Went to the gym each week. Just the act of physically building strength and endurance is a prayer.

Going to the gym felt like mothering myself.

I finally saw the energy and support that had been with me my whole life. I developed a connection and trust with my spirit team.

I still cry about my OG favorite person, but I understand the journey now. The Destiny Cards system played a huge part in my seeing the big picture of our connection.

I don’t know what the tears are from, but they quickly fall from my eyes and cut deep. Perhaps it’s gratitude, love, and the memory of an unbreakable spiritual bond.

*I replayed clips of akashic record readings I got years back. 2 different practitioners, who didn’t know each other, abstractly highlighted my mom to me. In their own way they insinuated I needed boundaries with her. One even said Spirit wanted me to know it’s not my fault - my mom didn’t love me the way I needed and it’s not my fault. I brushed it off, I truly didn’t understand it.

I didn’t bring up my mom to either of them! Source was trying to have a Good Will Hunting moment with me haha.

**My OG favorite person is my Blessed Karma Card - a major indicator of a past life connection. Your BKC helps you and sends you on your true path.

They’re also my Spiritual Pluto Card, which yields tower moments that reconstruct your very being.

Their natal Saturn is close to my south node in Leo - another past life indicator.

Their natal Mars exactly conjuncts my Mars (my chart ruler)!

And I met them during the exact window of an eclipse ! Which happened to exactly trine my Jupiter. While Transit Jupiter was on my descendant (sorry, this is getting astro-geeky now).

I just must add - digging up this information helped me handle reality better. Even if what i’m saying sounds unhinged and like gibberish - any other astrologer would look through these notes and just nod in understanding. I digress.